3 Reasons Why Our Marriage Should Fail (And How We Make It Work)

3 Jan

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Forgive me, dear friend, if I give a disappointed side smirk when you mention how wonderful it is to pray with your husband.

I probably will hesitate before liking 200 photos of your new home on Facebook.

It’s not that I’m not happy for you. It just smarts a bit when you covet.

I’ve been reading an advance copy of “Happy Wives Club,” where author Fawn Weaver globe-skips and interviews wives about what makes their marriage work. The book is a must read, and I am not just saying this because she was kind enough to ask me to join her book’s blog tour.

It is extremely well written and provides a lot of insight into cultivating a happy marriage. She probably wasn’t expecting a blog post like this. But stick with me.

There are a couple of more obvious reasons why our marriage shouldn’t work. We had a short courtship and we have very different backgrounds and cultures.

If you are an overachiever and fancy a major challenge like myself, I present to you my married life, and all of the reasons why it’s doomed for failure.

1) Our religious differences: He always moans a bit when I bring this up, but he doesn’t quite understand the hugeness of this decision.

By marrying a non-Christian, I disobeyed God. On top of this, his eternal life lingers in the back of my mind, all while I must let go of the shame I am bound to feel when I (finally) step into church alone.

I have only found one blog that talks about how this marriage can work. The rest of the internet is filled with horror stories and warnings of how this should never, ever, ever happen.

I am not just saying this because the Bible talks about it or it has been ingrained in me ever since I became a Christian. Heck, I have buddies who are atheists who have told me not to date someone with different beliefs.

People seem hung up on the idea of how you can raise children in a spiritually divided home. But they don’t mention the seemingly insignificant differences – not saying grace before a meal…debating whether or not there’s a purpose for everything or the concept of unconditional love for people who don’t deserve it.

Of course, before and during our budding relationship, we had extensive conversations about what we believe and don’t believe. We still have a ways to go in some areas. Since I haven’t had the courage to attend church in person, I can’t say how that will change the dynamic of our relationship.

2) Troubled finances: Failing at a couple of jobs and living with his family is something I have been unable to share publicly, even on social media where I tend to be an oversharer.

But the truth of the matter is we have to keep our costs down and save up if we ever want to have a place of our own.

Not having full-time work in over a year is an intensely depressing experience,  particularly when your car is on the fritz and you spend days at a time cooped up at your in-laws in a town where the nearest anything is 20 miles away.

Private time at home can be virtually non-existent, and I find myself prone to envy when I have to share my husband with his family. I try not to beat myself up too much about that. After all, we are newlyweds, so it’s natural to feel this way.

3) Troubled past: My parents have been remarried to each other for quite a while now, but it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that children who come from divorced families are 50 percent more likely to get divorced themselves.

Also, my family back home means the world to me, but it is mind boggling how many issues crop up that I somehow find myself in the middle of several hundred miles away.

Layer that with the woes of leaving home for the first time,  and you have a recipe for drama. There have been far too many times my husband has been the intermediary. It most certainly puts a strain on our marriage.

There are a couple of other major issues that I won’t go into. So how in the world do we make it work? Why did I marry him?

Here are some tips for those in or entering a marriage that seems impossible:

1) Commitment to resolve: Whenever we encounter an issue, small or major, he tackles it with me.

When a man tells you with all sincerity, “I will do whatever it takes to make this work,” you take him up on his offer.

But besides that, he loves me at my worst. When I’m super anxious or depressed,  when I’m hairy and stinky, when I’m having a bad hair year. He is devoted and tells me so every day.

2) Commitment to play: And no, I don’t just mean our dedication to pimping out our WoW characters. My husband likens himself to a stand-up comedian. He is always “on,” and he’s far more quick-witted than I. He is also gloriously affectionate.

As for me? Well, I’m easily amused. We laugh and joke together every single day, either in person or via text or phone. I also welcome his affection and mushy chatter, even if it means being interrupted while I’m in the middle of something. We are so persistent and consistent, I know it probably irritates people to no end.


3) Commitment to honesty
: I can be a nag. I’ll admit it. Getting him to do housework is like attempting to move a three-story house with your bare hands.

But here’s the thing: I read a lot about how you shouldn’t constantly bring up negative things. But opening up about anything, at any time I want, the freedom to express disappointment, (mostly) prevents festering resentment.

We don’t always like to hear the things we say to each other. Naturally, we are prone to keeping our criticisms to ourselves. But how exactly are you supposed to know how to be a better spouse if we don’t know where to improve?

Not gonna lie. That was a bear to write.  It’s not normal to openly express negative circumstances. But I know by doing so, I’ve hopefully given another couple hope.

Every marriage has its own set of obstacles to hurdle. Sure, our issues are probably a little tougher than the average couple, but that doesn’t mean our marriage wasn’t destined to happen or that it will fail.
What obstacles are you overcoming? Talk to me in the comments.

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13 Responses to “3 Reasons Why Our Marriage Should Fail (And How We Make It Work)”

  1. Fawn @ Happy Wives Club January 3, 2014 at 8:14 am #

    I am SO happy you wrote this, Williesha! And you’re right, I definitely wasn’t expecting that :). But it’s awesome. It’s your story and each of us have our own path to creating the marriage and life we desire most. Thank you for inviting us on your journey, even during the tough times. This kind of transparency -and resolve- is lacking in the world and I, for one, appreciate it.

    • Willi January 3, 2014 at 9:51 am #

      Thanks Fawn! I’m so glad you like it. Congrats again on creating a great community and book!

  2. Richard Scott Mills January 3, 2014 at 11:26 am #

    Great stuff! As an Atheist engaged to a Theist we face some of that. I have to be careful not to ridicule faith even though it seems silly to me at times. A lot of people ask, ‘well, what are you going to do when you have children?’ I personally want them exposed, but not indoctrinated into, as many thought systems as possible. A person of faith can generally accept this, as faith leads one to believe the answers will form in their own minds. To think otherwise would be a lack of faith and an admission of religion being entirely man’s invention on the believer’s part. As a humanist, it would be inconceivable to indoctrinate your child into Atheism by sheltering them from religious beliefs. As long as tolerance is a major value in your household, and given the cross-faith nature of the couples you must assume it is, the outcome (your child’s chosen beliefs) , is less important than the journey you take together.

    • Willi January 3, 2014 at 11:30 am #

      Wow man, that is an incredibly awesome plan you have for your marriage!! I do think it is important to educate yourself on different faiths in order to make a decision. You guys are meant for each other, for sure. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Maggie Reyes (@ModernMarried) January 3, 2014 at 5:25 pm #

    LOVE THIS! Brene Brown says that through vulnerability we reveal our greatest strengths. I firmly believe that messy real love is way better than “picture perfect” any day! Thanks for writing something so powerful and real. XO

    • Willi January 3, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

      Thanks Maggie! I really appreciate that. I LOVE Brene Brown.

  4. Mariko January 3, 2014 at 5:58 pm #

    I really, really enjoyed this post. While neither Rick or I are particularly religious, the fact that he was raised Catholic and I was raised Buddhist has made for some interesting conversations, including his panic that we wouldn’t be spending eternity together in Heaven, since I don’t really believe in an everlasting soul, at least not in the Judeo-Christian sense.

    As it is, Rick actually ticked off more “bad” qualities than good in the list of hypothetical qualities for a potential mate. And yet, here we are, three years happily married.

    • Willi January 3, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

      Mariko, that’s awesome you have been able to work on your differences. And I do share your husband’s fears. LOL Glad you liked it.

  5. Cherith Fluker January 4, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    Wow. What a great story! I admire your courage as this is not an easy topic to write about. Thanks for sharing such an inspirational story for those who may be going through similar experiences.

    • Willi January 5, 2014 at 2:48 am #

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Cherith! I’m happy to share our story to show that couples can defy the odds and have a great relationship.

  6. Natalie July 20, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

    I know this is an older post, but I was recently led to your blog through a comment you left on a Relevant magazine article (on the article about marrying a non-Christian). While I’m not in a similar situation myself, I am so glad to have found your blog. I really connected with this article. My boyfriend and I (discussing engagement soon), both come from divorced families and I think we are a little terrified. We are really working on being completely open with each other to build a strong foundation.

    • Willi July 21, 2014 at 2:24 am #

      I’m so glad you found me! I think if you two remain open with one another and stay true to your beliefs, you will have a great relationship!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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