The Lord has never been afraid of honest prayers. – “Why” by 4Him
When something happens to you, even something positive, you start to ask yourself a lot of questions. Especially if you are like me and deal with obsessive worry.
Why is this happening right now at this very moment?
What exactly could have been done differently?
These questions are even tougher when it comes to dealing with the death of someone you love.
My grandmother died today. She was 91 years old, in my old bedroom surrounded by my family, even though it was very sudden and unexpected. A lot of questions began swirling around in my head. When I began to ask God, “Why?” I realized He had already given me some answers.
“Why did it happen now?”
I’ve already dealt with the deaths of several friends and colleagues while I have been in Alabama. The helplessness I feel now is no different, and given my grandmother’s age, this is something I’ve ultimately been able to prepare for.
I fell apart and was immediately comforted by my husband and mother-in-law. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t at work or out with others. I was at home, relaxing, exactly as I should have.
I am at a low point in my business. This was also something I’ve been asking “Why” about. I am working on a story and an e-series that will probably need to get pushed back, and I won’t be able to do work for a client this week. But instead of having to tell multiple clients what has happened, I only had to tell a few.
January was my time to refresh my business and start setting goals, so I’m glad I wasn’t under a big pile of work.
“Why her? Why couldn’t I be there? And why did she have to go so suddenly?”
Now that I’m a little more clear-headed, the answers are in front of me. She’s the oldest member of my family, and she had several ongoing medical conditions. I certainly wouldn’t want my first experience with the death of a family member to be someone else.
My husband and I were able to see her again before Christmas. She was so very happy and excited to see me. Even though she has been suffering from bouts of dementia, she has never once not recognized me when I’ve visited over the past year.
A slower, more drawn-out death at a hospital would have been more ideal for travel. Yes, I could have been with her when she passed, but seeing someone fade away slowly comes with its own set of pain. My grandmother wasn’t alone, and that’s really all that matters.
She was the only grandparent I’ve ever had. The others died when I was very young. I can’t imagine experiencing her loss much earlier than now.
There’s a lot more that could be said. But it’s still raw, still fresh.
I hope you can come up with your own questions and answers during moments when it seems there are none.