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Geeky Girl Guide to a Trendy Con

14 Mar


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Recently, I was asked to be a VIP influencer for the Natural Hair and Health Expo. I’ve been wanting to attend for a while, but I had a lot of hesitations.

  1. I’ve only been natural for a few years, and even so I still get my hair straightened.
  2. I can barely do my own hair. It ends up getting done by a pro and then I let it stagnate for a month or attempt to wash it and fail miserably.
  3. I’m a dork – even if I did know how to do my own hair, it’s never been a priority, so why spend a bunch of time at an expo.
  4. My history with my hair is nothing compared to my history with black women. I was recently dumped by a black gf and it tore me up and brought back memories of my years being bullied by black women. Would I even feel comfortable?

Turns out, I had all of the wrong ideas. Being a VIP influencer meant having to post about the expo. I apparently had the perfect social media presence for it because I personally ensured one ticket was sold – a VIP ticket with my friend Que, who I hadn’t had a chance to hang out with very much.

That ended up being the difference maker, and it’s the pro con-going tip that changes everything.

Like all conventions, the best part about attending events are the people you go with.

Everything else can suck, but as long as you’re with the right people, it will work out. Keeping that as your focus means the world.

While I loved the VIP room, the free goodies and food, the best experience was making the drive from Tuscaloosa with a friend and seeing her happy. That was amazing. We laughed and giggled so much, and she even connected with an incredible celeb. Even if everything else was terrible (which it wasn’t!) that connection made the whole trip worth it.

And the other tip that other geeky convention goers already know – you’ll encounter all kinds of people at this event. Even though I’m not trendy in the slightest and ended up not feeling well enough to get my hair done, no one was really paying attention to that.

Here’s my take on this expo for those who spend less than 30 seconds on their hair every day.

What I Loved

The guides and volunteers – there was never a shortage of people to ask questions or get help. My VIP media guide was always available via phone and email and the folks helping out were really sweet and as helpful as possible.

The vendors – one thing that my friend Que noted was the sheer number of black-owned businesses. We were just in awe. And sometimes black folks underwhelm with their products and marketing. Not so here – it was incredible. The goodie bags were unbelievable in quality.

I even saw some friends showing off their political campaigns and were floored! So proud to know these folks.

The classes we took were freaking phenomenal – learned so much about financing for my business and about homebuying. Still can’t believe how much I learned.

Lessons for Next Time

I was promised Wi-Fi and no one knew the password. (Did I mention I’m a dork? This blog is for nerds, remember!?

Looks like part of the VIP experience was checking out one of the panels but they didn’t take that into account with all of the folks who had pre-registered, so it was hard to find any seats.

Every vendor needs to have a table. We were dying to buy some of the cupcakes we tried at the tasting. There was a lot of confusion about even if we were supposed to have any and they didn’t have a table!

So glad to have attended and can’t wait for next year.


12 Tips for the Anxious or Introverted Activist

31 Dec activism for introverts or depressed or anxious

activism for introverts or depressed or anxious

Being introverted or dealing with anxiety and depression doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference after what has been an insane year for political activism.

One of the coolest things I discovered is text banking, where you’re assigned a certain number of phone numbers and you use a platform to text them individually. You use pre-filled phrases and no one will know your number. It’s pretty brilliant. Check out OpenProgress for more on this.


Sometimes I still wonder why people think the term “SJW” is somehow negative. And if we’re going to be honest, I’m really not a “social justice warrior.” I’m more like a social justice ranger. (Yes, I’m really referring to my preferred class in an RPG. They are just so much more fun and powerful than some of the other classes, at least as far as damage-dealing goes. This is a nerd blog, ya’ll! But I digress.)

Being new to the whole social justice scene has brought a lot of ups and downs. Overall, there has been more ups, even though this year has been one major downer. Today I was listening to my new fave podcast Pod Save America, which started about the same time in 2017 as I did this journey into become more politically involved, and they were talking about how easy it is to just shut things out. (Unless you’re a social media addict like I am.)

It’s really easy to turn off the TV and not read any newspapers and stay as oblivious as possible to the news of the day. But that there are certain rewards of being active that you can’t really replicate or get anywhere else. And they are so right. (As always.)

“Making a difference” is one of the most overused and cliched phrases ever. I honestly wish people would stop using it, but it’s a good one. It’s just vague enough to include pretty much any kind of volunteer work. And it’s super important.

This year I’ve done things I never thought about doing – canvassing at a voting precinct for my local Democratic Party office, working at a local office, helping people with their social media campaigns when running for office, holding fundraisers for political causes and facilitating programs like Emerge that has truly blossomed this year.

As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, this has been a super tough year to be active in literally everything, but for some reason this sense of urgency I’ve felt since last November hasn’t subsided much. (Maybe because Mueller’s investigation is taking too long? I don’t know. There does seem to be a new issue to get fired up about each day and that’s probably what keeps me going.)


I have a bunch of tips here for people who have mental health issues or are introverts. This is what you can do when you want to do something but don’t always have the bandwidth.

There are tangible mental health benefits to volunteer, but that’s another post for another time. Here you go!

  1. Take breaks often and with other people.
  2. Only pick a couple of other organizations to get involved in. Spread your time wisely.
  3. Pick only one activity or two activities per week to do. Spend the rest of the time chilling out and being a “normie” or a maybe an apolitical Muggle like you used to be.
  4. You’re not going to like some people. If you have the option of pulling away from those organizations, do so quickly.
  5. The best way to be involved is to subscribe to email newsletters that keep you up to date on what’s going on.
  6. When feeling down, just give an hour.
  7. When lacking energy, just give money. (I prefer you give to Emerge Alabama, but I’m completely biased.)
  8. The best option is to help someone who is also new to the political scene run for office. You’ll learn a crap ton.
  9. Treat it like any other “extracurricular” activity. Make sure to keep your personal life separate from it as much as possible.
  10. Don’t try to convince your family or friends to help you. In fact they’ll probably think you’re weird and ban you from talking about topics like that. But that’s why lesson #2 is so important.
  11. Minimize and simplify – you’re going to have a ton of papers, business cards and brochures. Try to take notes and go as paper free as possible. Otherwise you’ll get overwhelmed.
  12. Use past successes (that you’ve hopefully written down!) to motivate you to keep going.

We’ve got this. Anything can happen. (Just look at what happened with Doug Jones!)

Holidays: When You’re Forced to be Grateful

12 Dec

There are a lot of things going on in my life that suck. Yes, it’s become sort of a joke that 2016 has felt like the worst year ever, because we’ve lost a lot of iconic people. We had a terrible presidential election season that seemed almost comical but was painfully real.

But on a personal level, this year was one of the worst ever. I gave up freelancing to hunt for a job, only to have that job snatched away from me so quickly I never made it Facebook official. Physically, I’ve never looked or felt this bad. I’ve resorted to picking my skin which has scarred it.

I’ve gained a lot of weight and I’ve let my hair become so out of control it requires going to a pro to fix it. There are other mental, emotional, spiritual and physical issues related to my anxiety and depression that I can only discuss with a therapist or a doctor.

Now I’m back to where I was a few years ago. Feeling rejected for the umpteenth time. Feeling like I’ve sabotaged jobs, relationships and myself so frequently, the consequences are irrevocable. Feeling the most unpretty. The personality I had when I first moved to Alabama – one of optimism, loyalty and determination – has left me.  I have changed so much and mostly in ways that are sour and unbecoming.

What happens when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom? I feel like I’m in that stage where I’ve just fallen and still tending to my wounds and cleaning myself off. I’m not ready for re-entry. When you’re in this place, you have to focus on the present. On what you have left when you feel like the parts that make up who you are have disintegrated.

There is still a bit of light left. I still laugh at the smallest things. I still recognize how amazing and privileged I am to be in the place where I am now.

To have people in my life who will not simply walk through fire to rescue me. They will lift me up and carry me through the fire so that I can help myself.

I know not everyone has that, and I’ve thought of them every day to get me out of bed in the morning.

Being at what feels like the bottom of a hole forces you to think simply.  The normal trappings of temporary happiness that spring from having a job, a lot of acquaintances who love you only when you’re happy have been burned away.

You focus on the simplest of blessings – food, shelter, health, faith, family. You look around and wonder why God saw fit to wake you up today. You search for what was so important that He chose to give you another day of life.

For instance, today I’m going out with friends. I didn’t plan it, and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to spend time with other people right now, even ones I know love and respect me. I want to remain in the shadows. But I know that’s one simple reason why I’m around today. For something so simple. Something that I could try to back out of but can’t since I wasn’t the one to plan it

That has been really easy lately.  Backing out of obligations to either stay home with my husband or just stay at home. Everyone expects me to bounce back. Yes, I have a mental illness, but it’s never been an issue. I stop. I grieve. I move on. However, this time and this year is different.

Resuming my normal won’t happen for a while. I’ve disengaged with a lot of my contacts while freelancing, and several I won’t be able to mend. I’m not in the right mental condition to go on job interviews. So it appears that, like a few years ago, December is dedicated to hibernation. Thankfully, I made plans with my family before everything went south, so I can’t back out on them.

There are traces of that super-determination left in me. I’m in the last steps of applying to a graduate program. I don’t have a lot of faith that I will get in. Not so much because I am in a self-defeatist mood, but because I didn’t prepare properly. I put together a lot of documentation in a very short amount of time, which is awesome considering my attitude at the moment but may have made for a less than ideal application package.

I’ve been so down that I haven’t wanted to write. I feel like all of the creativity has been sucked out of me. So for now I’m choosing to write about being down. Not my most eloquent of posts, and certainly not one where I manage to turn it around and make it relatable and positive. But that’s where I am today.

Why a Great Job Is the Best Kind of Relationship

7 Sep

I don’t care what anyone says, there are times where you should just take a break from writing, even if writing is your job.

These past few months have been one of those times. After following the strict but sage advice of one of my writing mentors, Linda Formichelli, I read her book “Commit.” Unfortunately, “committing” to something also involves “un-committing” to everything else.

After an important conversation with my husband, I determined not long after my last post that I’d start looking for a job. A “real” one. That is one where the paychecks are steady and you actually are within a working environment around other people.

I sent a blanket email to a lot of then very important people in my life that I had committed to saying, essentially, “I’m sorry, but I quit.”

It’s the self sabotaging email that perfectionists with anxiety send out more often than they should.

I was really surprised at the responses (or lack thereof). Most of the people who I had recently committed to responded almost immediately and said, “I’m here. I can help.” Some of these people were barely my acquaintances, because I had just joined their organizations a short time ago.

Others I considered my closest friends ignored the email or later gave terse responses after some prodding. I was disappointed and was finally able to express that much later, but it reminded me that the only people in my life who are consistently there for me didn’t get involved much in my business  – that’s my tried-and-true friends and family.

Despite coming to this devastating realization, I moved on. A few weeks after Loving Day, I started a new job and, like any great relationship, I find myself not having to prove much of anything. It took one interview (well, three with different people in one day) and about a month to show that I know what I’m doing.

Again, I was surprised. These people barely knew me, and every job always takes a warming period. Because I’m an introvert and overachiever, I have to soften my motto of “I don’t come to work to make friends” or Scandal’s overarching theme that black women have to work twice as hard to get half the benefits. Because I only have one officemate and most of my co-workers are in other buildings, when I’m near their offices, I stop myself to say hello, to catch up. Most of them are usually very busy, but I like to preface my stops with that acknowledgement.

I want my stops with them to be like a gentle reminder that there’s more to work than just being stuck staring at a computer screen. Plus, it’s forced me to pull out of this social funk you tend to enter when you work from home.

So, like most new relationships, there has to be some effort on my part. You don’t expect to become besties after a few interactions. But I mean when I say, “Great relationships mean not having to try as hard,” something I learned from a former friend many years ago.

The right job (or relationship):

  1. Minimizes mistakes. Yes, the ideal job is supposed to be one where you grow and learn to lessen the amount of mistakes you make. But as someone with anxiety and bad run-ins with bosses and co-workers, I was afraid of even making the smallest mistake. My boss is quick to say, “It’s no big deal,” and she means it. She’s not going to bring it back up again or threaten to take away my job. If a boss (or friend/romantic partner) tells you, “It’s okay,” you’ve got a real winner.
  2. Celebrates the small wins. Every time I sent an email where I wanted to hold back on congratulating myself, I get replies that are encouraging, even when the final results of my project aren’t quite what I wanted. This is the marker of a great job or a great relationship – where folks make it a point to congratulate the smallest achievements.
  3. Ignores the things that don’t affect success. I’ve had jobs where I was told what I wore was inappropriate (the “yoga pants incident”). Or that my personality was too open. (Vague speak for “We are frightened by your drive/attitude/behavior because you’re too young/too angry black woman/not black enough.”) It was really demeaning experiences. I have roaring laughs, joke a lot and tend to get overly excited or enthusiastic about things. My bosses and co-workers aren’t (openly any way LOL) irritated or see these traits as flaws. In fact, my enthusiasm was a bonus during the interview process and still works today. (Although my boss will tell you it was my writing, not my winning personality, that landed me the job LOL) My husband has seen me with good hair days maybe 3 months out of the almost five years we’ve been together LOL. The rest of time it’s damaged, kinky, stinky or just boring. But he doesn’t care. Quirky or even annoying personality traits are simply hurdles to overcome in a solid relationship. They aren’t used as excuses to end things or make things difficult.
  4. Gives you reasons to stick around during the rough times. Despite the fact I’ve garnered something of a dream job, part of that “dream” includes all of the crap I have to endure – mainly the inordinate amount of walking during hot weather. Also, it really, really sucks to get sick when you don’t have a lot of sick leave and your boss is out of town at the same time. (Oh, dear Lord.)Life is fraught with problems. The older I get, the more I realize “Everybody’s got something.” It helps me to empathize more and complain less. My “somethings” may seem like the end of the world to me, but I have plenty of friends  whose “somethings” are worse.(This brings me to an aside: if you’re like me and you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety or depression, never, ever, ever downplay your “something.” That’s what contributes to the stigma that having an unseen illness isn’t “as bad” as someone who experiences physical illnesses or disabilities. I’ve been trying for years to get over that…to not see what I’m experiencing as something to just get over.

    What you’re experiencing is real. It’s valid. And when it affects your life, it’s okay to talk about it.)

Every relationship is a challenge, but it should never be a constant uphill battle. Sadly this was something I was beginning to experience working from home and within certain relationships.

Even the people we dislike the most have a “something” to overcome. We have the ability to use it to make our dream jobs or relationships come true.

But don’t work *too* hard at it.


I’m a Southern Black Woman & I Hate “Formation”

7 Feb

I am seriously considering this as cosplay for DragonCon. Seriously.

Yesterday morning, I was taking a shower thinking about Beyonce.

Don’t get any crazy ideas. I was daydreaming about some inconceivable moment where she and I were in New York at the same time. I did something nice for her without realizing it – tackling a purse snatcher or some such nonsense. (Because, you know, everyone in her posse was…in the bathroom…? Looking the other way?)

Somehow her schedule was open for the next two hours (yeah, right!). She wanted to pay me a reward for getting her purse back.

But I didn’t want her cash. I just wanted to talk to her. We had a conversation about my background and writing/VA business without me hyperventilating. (Not possible.) I wanted her to talk a few minutes with one of my blogging buddies, Javacia Bowser, who has always been a superfan. I weighed my options on how to tell her.

Should I just hand the phone to Beyonce and start chatting? No, she may be at work and could pass out. Should I call her husband first? No.

I decided on just telling her myself, asking her to take a few deep breaths because “a friend” wanted to talk with her.

The daydream (and my shower) ended somewhere around the part where Javacia was trying not to scream. It made me smile.

Then later on in the day, I heard about her new song and video “Formation,” and decided to check it out.

Someone used the word “subversive” to describe the video, and it certainly is. She’s perched atop a drowning New Orleans police car. There are images of a young black boy raising his arms up in front of a line of police officers.

And there’s plenty of what to expect from Queen Bey – epic choreography and even more epic costumes. I mean, wow.

But the lyrics?

Well, that’s a different story.

There have already been several blog posts floating around about the hidden “meaning” behind the lyrics. That she’s finally “returning to her roots,” and “embracing her blackness.”

Let’s forget the fact that she’s not really singing…she’s rapping, and the beat isn’t dance-worthy (although she looked amazing dancing to it).

Let’s talk about her “blackness.” The lyrics in particular:

I like my baby hair, with baby hair and afros
I like my negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils

Of course, she’s referencing her daughter Blue Ivy (whose adorableness makes an appearance in the video) and her husband, rapper Jay-Z.

Then there are these lyrics:

I twirl on them haters
Albino alligators
El Camino with the seat low
Sippin’ Cuervo with no chaser
Sometimes I go off, I go off
I go hard, I go hard


When he f— me good I take his a– to Red Lobster, cause I slay

Wait, what?

First of all, who hates Beyonce? I’m joking of course, but it’s difficult as a fan of hers to imagine anyone being a “hater.” Her reference to the “Illuminati mess” in the lyrics was clever. Some crazies always like to associate celebs with the Illuminati and it always angered me.

But now…now after all of her hit records and essential world domination, now she’s “embracing her blackness?” I’ve noticed her progression to this kind of music over the years, and I was starting to feel alienated as a fan. This kind of clinched it for me.

If so, then I haven’t been black for years. Then again, many people think that way about me.


I shouldn’t have to say any of this, but now that this video has popped up, and with some of the comments, I’ve seen it’s time to finally get real about this.

“Yeah, I bet she’s a virgin. I bet she’s never sucked a dick in her life.”

This was just one of the many lovely phrases uttered loudly by my bully as I passed by on my way to journalism class in 10th grade. She made it her business to make my life miserable and ensure my place outside of the popular black folks in school. (Ironically, she’s now a Christian business coach, but hey, people can change, right?) At the time, I had dedicated in church to stay a virgin until marriage, so it stung.

In middle school, she berated me for having white friends, even though the school district was mostly white, and most of my black friends were at church.

A couple of years before the virgin comment, she and I went to a guidance counselor in some feeble attempt to make amends.

Clearly that didn’t work.

Now some of the commentary about “Formation,” is simply reminding me of this. How being bullied made me afraid of my own people. Sometimes I’m still afraid. Of judgment. Of side eye or whispers. My adulthood is still hampered by my “whiteness” to this day.

I didn’t have any close black friends outside of church until I graduated from college. Most of the black folks who weren’t bullying me either talked about me behind my back or felt sorry for me.

When I was dateless for the prom, someone suggested I ask one of the least popular black guys in high school. I guess that’s what I was worth?

Sometimes I still get scared. I’ll say something with my “New York white woman” accent to a black friend and feel my heart skip. (Yes, I’ve heard that before. I found that pretty funny as a kid.)

Everything I’ve read so far about “Formation” is about how the only people criticizing her work are either haters, not Southern or not a person of color.

Well, I really like Beyonce and I’m a Southern black woman. Will I be ostracized again?

Is it “white” of me to say I miss her Sasha Fierce days and her time with Destiny’s Child?

What if it’s simply because I’m not a fan of modern hip-hop? I despise Auto-Tune and like lyrics that don’t require an existential translation from an intellectual?

Oh, wait. That makes me “less black” too.

Beyonce is one of the greatest performers to ever grace the stage. I will always love her style, her grace and her sense of humor.

I’d totally tackle a purse snatcher for her. For real.

But the fact that we categorize ourselves to act a certain way, like a certain type of music, talk a certain way, and *that* is what it means to be black is simply pushing this kind of stereotype to other races.

Beyonce’s inner thug is finally out, so now she’s black and no longer under “white gaze?”

I’ve loved Beyonce’s blackness years ago. Why is it because she’s wearing her hair in braids, flipping off the camera and using foul language in her music has this become her emergence as a true black woman.

Why must I embrace this as an anthem for all Southern black women? I can’t. And I won’t.

My black experience was different. When the rest of the women in my family went shopping, I stayed in Radio Shack and played on the computers.

Sometimes my Mom would let me stay at the library for an entire day. It was heaven.

My best birthday moment involves getting Super Mario Bros. 3.

This doesn’t make me less black or somehow negates the instances of prejudice and racism I experienced.

I haven’t forgotten about my roots – about the struggles my parents went through living under a Jim Crow south.

There’s another conversation entirely about the “double-paned” glass ceiling black women face in their careers.

Let’s forget about all of the side-eye and inappropriate behavior from everyone for marrying a white man in Alabama.

My black card is barely existent, I suppose.

And that makes me hurt. Almost as much as the first time I was bullied in 7th grade.

But, hey, I love collards and cornbread, so that’s a plus, right?

What do ya’ll think of Beyonce’s new track? Do you think the rest of her new album will be similar? Have you ever been ostracized for not being “black enough?” Talk to me in the comments. 


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